Are you wanting to create an amazing relationship with a partner? Do you wonder how you will know if a person is a potentially good match for you? Or maybe you are questioning if the person you are dating is “relationship material”? Or if your girlfriend or boyfriend is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? You might even be in a relationship that is an emotional roller-coaster and you’re questioning what to do?
Wherever you are at, one of the most powerful things you can do is get crystal clear on your 4 – 5 top, non-negotiable values. Writing this list will have you get and stay very clear, grounded, and intentional with what you want and need in your partner; doing this list allows for the possibility of a love that lights you up to show up and be co-created … and for all else to just fade into the distance.
What your list isn’t …
Your non-negotiable list is different from your “what I”m looking for in a lover or partner” list, which can generally run a little long. Things you prefer are on that list, for example: is fit or curvy, is polite and has good manners, is university educated, well read or a non-smoker. things like loves good food, has excellent taste in music or likes to dance / go to plays / art shows / the opera may be important to you. Where you would like the person to be in life may also show up on this list, such as”is between the ages of ___ and ___ or lives near me, wants/doesn’t want / has/doesn’t have children.
Your non-negotiable list is also different from your “what I don’t want” in my next lover or partner, which is generally a mental list that reworks itself into your “what I want” list. What you don’t want is called contrast. Contrast is all those things that didn’t work for you in the past! After all, you can’t see the light if you never experience the dark. Contrast is very important and useful to know as by knowing what we don’t want, we get clear on what we do want: what does work. And that’s where you want to focus.
Writing your list of 4 -5 top, non-negotiable values…
For this exercise, stay very focused on the most important things you want and need in your relationship. Start to write down the things that you need to be present in your present or future partner, that without, you will not be fulfilled. Think of the qualities you most admire and treasure. You will most certainly embody all of them – they are the things your friends can count on you for, love about you, and that you love about yourself. Remember: they are not mere preferences: they are non-nogotiable. Limit your list to 4 or 5 items.
Take some time and just think on what has to be there. Think on what lights you up, what you really admire and appreciate in yourself, in your friends, maybe even in your parents and/or family members. What do you want to share with a partner? What do you want to co-create?
For example: being adventurous, open-minded, and up to creating fun is not only really important to me, I need to be with someone who is a “YES” to life! Being a “yes” to travelling, adventures, new experiences, and fun is absolutely a non-negotiable value for me. Want to go explore a neighbourhood, each of us take 5 photographs and then compare them, race our bikes down the biggest hill in the city, go see some art or a gig, have coffee at a new cafe neither of us have been to before, kiss in doorways, go for long walks in the forest and maybe try to climb a tree, take me in your arms and dance, go swim in the ocean and dive off rocks, plan a vacation to a place we’ve never been? Guess who can’t stop smiling big and has stars radiating out of her eyes? This happy gal! Do you go to the same resort in Mexico every year on vacation or are you a “no” to practicing yoga with me? Someone who doesn’t ride a bike or wants to go to an arts & culture event? well, you may be wonderful, and I can be friends with you, however, we are not a relationship match … and I wouldn’t even entertain a first date. WHY? Because a person being adventurous, open-minded, and up to co-creating fun is a NON-NEGOTIABLE value for me.
Moving forward: what to do now…
You have your list. It’s written down. Memorize your list. AND THEN … STICK TO IT!
When you are getting to know a person consult your list early on! Ask them questions that reveal if they are a match to your top, non-negotiable values. Also, share what you value and see how they respond.
If they share your top values enjoy the fun of discovering who the person is. If they continue to delight and surprise you and match up with your preferences, be brave and open yourself to the miracles of love! If they don’t share your top values, don’t waste your time! Stop seeing them and put your energies elsewhere. They aren’t a match and you are just asking for heartbreak and frustration if you think it will work.
If you are in a relationship and are wondering if it’s going anywhere or if you have a future, check in with your list of top non-negotiable values. If your relationship is rocky or trust has been broken, check in with your list of values. Get honest. If the person does not match ALL 4 -5 of your non-negotiable values, you need to think logically and with your head (instead of your heart or groin), realize that they are not a match for you, and have a conversation about your values and what you both want.
If you are in a partnership or marriage, and your values have changed and not evolved together, get into therapy so you can both get clear and have this resolved immediately. Values can change, and that’s ok. In a partnership or marriage we agree that we will support the other person in what is important to them and what makes them happy. If your values no longer match, you can either make the alterations needed or end the partnership with love, affinity, and respect present.
You want to give up any “wishful thinking” or “hope” that the person will change or match your values. They won’t. And that’s ok! They have their own journey. Have integrity with what you say you want for yourself and your life! Someone out there will share your values and it is that person who has the capacity to be an amazing partner for you.
Create the space for someone who is a GREAT match for you to show up! Do this by writing up your 4 – 5 top, non-nogotialbe values! Review your list, keep to it, and trust! The cosmic kitchen of the Universe will deliver the amazing order you’ve put in! Don’t doubt yourself or your wants and you will manifest them!
If you would like to book a session to discover and get clear on what your authentic, relationship needs, wants, and top, non-negotiable values are – and to put structures in place to stay true to what you want to manifest – I’d love to work with you! Please contact me via my contact page here.
“Working with Lesley to figure out my “non-negotiable values” – those things that I look for and want in a future girlfriend and partner – has been a really liberating feeling; almost as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! These values are things that a person feels and knows anyway, deep down, but by making them into a tangible “check list”, we are able to turn these abstract feelings into powerful tools that allow me to recognise if the person I’ve just met truly is the person for me. Does this person have all of those crucial values? If yes, than that is the person that is going to be capable of making me genuinely happy. Crafting and using this tool I now have greater focus, and this allows the person I want to be in a lasting relationship with to be much easier to find.” Robert, Vancouver, BC
Update: Robert found his partner match shortly after writing this and is now in a committed relationship.